Bruce McBirney's Cure-all Water
good die young, but scumbags live on
CBC: (January 2010)
I love Dragons Den.
Seriously, it's one of the best
programs on TV right now. The UK Dragons Den might be the most
well-known, thanks to the roaring successes of Reggae Reggae Sauce, the
Chocbox and the Rapstrap. However, my favorite version is the
Canadian Version. Maybe it's because it seems more real to me than
the UK Version because it's a great blend of serious business among
other sordid nonsense that comes out of the mouths of both the pitchers
and the Dragons. However, sometimes the nonsense that is pitched
by some of the pitchers are just insane. The one that I'm about to
talk to you right now is not only one of the most vile pitches, but it
just proves the old adage that the good die young, but scumbags will be
there to fuck people over like mad.
In Season 4, we were treated to
such a man. You know, I doubt he's even human. Because what
Bruce McBirney has done to people, is demonic and beyond comprehension.
Let's get to the pitch.
This bastion of truth comes out
pitching his product, Precious Minerals Nano-Water. Wanting
$2,500,000 for 25% of his company, valuing his company at $10,000,000,
making it one of the highest valuations in Dragon's Den history
worldwide. This asshole claims that this water can cure arthritis,
colitis, hepatitus, flus, bacteria's of all kind, including the
H1N1/Swine Flu infection.
Already, it's bullshit.
But, let's play along.
He then proceeds with his
diarreha of the mouth by spraying the water in his eyes to say that it
cures Pink-eye in a couple of days. He also says that you could
spray his water in your mouth and it would cure your toothaches and
gingivitis. This thing is supposed to be a miracle Cure-all, but
it's just mineral water that people usually spend $2 or $3 for at the
supermarket. He sells this thing for $18 a bottle.
Next, he uses the cheapest form
of props in the world, pieces of paper and a binder just flipping what
his water cures. What's notable about this is his lack of proper
spell-check with such misspellings of Indigestion, (he spelled it
Indegestion), and bad or poor Prostate (He spelled it Prostrate, which
both Arlene Dickinson and Brett Wilson both pointed out).
Arlene finally has had enough of the pitch and
asks if the water cures insanity, in a joking sort of way, but not
really. The host, Dianne Buckner, has to tell the home audience
that the claims are medically unsubstantiated. I guess that's not
a pre-requisite to pitch a product that is supposed to CURE FUCKING
EVERYTHING! Arlene asks Bruce how much he's sold. He said he
sold $40,000 to $60,000 of his water, averaging out to about 2,500-3,500
people he's conned out of money. Then we get to Mr. Warmth
himself, Kevin O'Leary. What he says here is probably the 2nd best
exchange in this pitch. I'll let you hear for yourself.
Amazing how Kevin sees right through his bullshit
and makes it somewhat entertaining in his snide sort of way. He
tries to defend his product, or lack thereof, by saying that he's not
crazy and that he's done some sort of research that he thinks makes his
water more believable. Robert Herjavik calls him out on the
research and he whips out this.
This pamphlet, which he calls a book, which says
all of the stuff that it cures, plus some of his "research", which I bet
was done in his ass over the span of 30 seconds in the toilet.
Kevin asks if Cancer is on there, and he says that yup, it's on there.
Bruce continues his futile attempt at his pitch by saying that he gave a
bottle to someone who had cervical cancer and within a month, she was
back at work like a dynamo.
Robert had enough and says that he's not crazy,
but he disgusts him. Robert says this because sometimes business
can be fun, but then there's people like Bruce that would scheme anybody
to make a buck. He tries to say that he's out but Bruce is
interrupting him saying that it's his problem that he thinks he's
disgusting, saying that he doesn't understand what he's trying to do.
Robert, trying to be the gentleman that he is, goes into a little tirade
saying, "Now you don't disgust me, but you offend me. So I'm going
to say that I'm Out, and I hope the others will quickly follow so you
Arlene then continues that it's not medical
research and she's out to. Let it be known that these dragons
aren't taking his crap anymore. And let it be known that they are
smarter than most people. Finally, Jim Treliving gives what most
people have been thinking of for most of the time. I can't type it
out and do it justice. It has to be heard to be believed.
Truer words never spoken and he's expelled and
never heard from again.
And now, when I first saw this, I was pissed. Especially when he
said that this water cured cancer. Firstly, Cancer has struck many
members of my family & millions of others out there as well. The
ones that survive are blessed. My grandmother was diagnosed with
breast cancer and she had to have a double mastectomy in order to quell
the damage. Unfortunately, the damage had already been done and
she died in 1987, 6 months after I was born. So, seeing this
asshole say that his water cures cancer, and basically scam others out
of money, pisses me off to no end. If there is a special layer of
hell that houses said scammers like Bruce McBirney, then I pray to God
that he burns in the layer that's worse than that one. May we
never have to deal with such an asshole ever on this website, but
knowing TV Game & Other shows of that ilk recently, I might have one
when we have the next season of Shark Tank.