#166 - The Newlywed Game Porno Parody
Making the original Newlywed Game funnier and sexier than the supposed sexier and funnier counterpart.
Vivid Entertainment (2013)
(Seidelman Note: One of the rules for this site
is that we don't show nudity on this site, so for all the porno parodies
that Cornshaq is doing, they will all be PG with the pictures. The
videos are available on the web, so if you want to read along to that,
then do so.)
Over the entire history of the adult film industry there have been countless numbers of movie and TV show parodies. However what happens when you start running out of movies to turn into sexual puns well you get game show porn parodies. That’s right game show porn parodies and while there isn't a ton out there the ones that are clearly tell us we don't want to see anymore. So without further ado I present to you Newlywed Game XXX.
First thing we can tell is they are doing a throwback to the golden age of the show aka the early to mid-seventies. All the “contestants” are made up in retro style complete with hippies, afros and sweater vests. We are first introduced to our four couples who we will get to know and see intimately as the show goes on. The hippies Adam and Lucy are the only couple of real note and honestly the only couple we get a decent amount of entertainment from Leon and Rebecca are a close second. I guess to make things interesting the fourth couple John and Meredith are on bad terms at the start, I guess this porno needs more plot then necessary.
Our host for this whole adulterous affair is Bob who is awful but the best part of this thing. His jokes and mannerisms are the closest thing this thing comes to of mimicking the real thing. After watching the intro to this mess you may think this won't be so bad but it gets quite boring quite fast. Yeah Yeah, anyone watching this is here for the sex so who cares how the story right? But come on how hard is it to do make a funny parody as well as get you off? Well for the writers over at Vivid let’s just say they have a hard time keeping it up.
So now begins the actual game and it starts just like the real deal with questions for the husbands that their wives will have to match the answers to later on. So what’s the first question you all must be on the edge ready for it to come and its “What does your wife’s breath smell like in the morning” Ok that’s a tough one come on writers give me something I am not expecting to hear in a porno parody I mean come on anything but dick. First contestant without one moment of anticipation blows us all away with dick! Well I guess we aren't gonna have any build up now they just want to give us the old in and out. Now the second question for our first husband “What does your wife call you when you make Whoopee” I guess the big payoff to this whole thing is there the first saying of the famous newlywed game word for sex Whoopee enjoy hearing it because you will hear it dozens of more times by the end of this thing. Anyway he says daddy the all-time classic finally the last question “Where was the first place you remember making love as a couple” Well that’s an interesting questi....HOLD ON ONE SECOND making love is supposed to be whoopee *blows whistle flag on the porno for not being consistent.* Anyway he says his Dodge Charger; what a wonderful model car that is.
Time to move on to the hippie Adam so for that first question the breath one in case your forgot, and remember Dick is already said. What else can they do say well they are asking the hippie so this should be an easy one writers come on they are a hippie couple, this is a nice slow change up right down the middle just smack that likes its Babe Ruth. Weed!!! Woo homerun the crowd goes wild with easy writing satisfaction and I die a little on the inside. Ok so next question the pet name one and I have to admit this one made me very very very slightly crack a smile he first says “lover” but quickly his weed filled brain blurts out “wind spirit” yeah not much but I will take it. Finally what a shock the hippies make whoopee in his parents basement.
Leon is up next and after the terrible jokes we have already had what is next well Leon has love as big for his wife as his fake afro on his head. He answers with sunrise. Now another easy to write answer that even the blind could see coming is since he is brother he answers the pet name question with “That’s easy big boy” And once again the crowd goes wild as the writers knock an easy one three miles out of the park. Finally for the whoopee place it’s his brass water bed which then the host responds with oh right next to your brass knuckles ;) we get a very awkward pause before we move on. I guess that was a joke or maybe even offensive I have no idea my brain starts leaking out my ears at this point.
The last guy is the boring one who is having issues with his wife his answers for the first two are for the breath “stale coffee” which I swear when that is said the horrible laugh track they dub in goes insane for that one. Then pet name is John which is his real name get it because he is boring but then finishes up with the first time making the whoopee being in a closest before their wedding which isn't too boring so I have no idea what these morons are trying to convey. Thankfully things finally change up after this.
The host asks the husbands one more question “What is the strangest place your wife has ever had the urge to make whoopee. At this point they go to the first guy who starts to answer with a raunchy tale of his wife joining the mile high club in the cock pit but we see the wind spirit Adam is acting funny we soon find out why as his wife has decided to hit the old dong bong and starts toking on his peace pipe right there in the studio during the taping. Things are slightly amusing during this part I must say and I will do my best not to really go into details on the sex scenes during this monstrosity. Anyway has she gets high with his one eye jack.
After the cockpit story Leon gives the first husband and standing ovation which the host says really I once banged six strippers dressed as nuns and it turns out only five were strippers. I inadvertently cracked a smirk at this. John, the boring one, who is also stupid chimes in wait only five of them were strippers? The host says, "oh I guess John knows what I am talking about," before quickly mouthing that no, he doesn't, and then makes a brilliant face I just had to capture to show John is not only boring, has marital problems, but is also a moron. (Seidelman note: Never got that picture, so here is Bob giving his impersonation of said face. Dear god, please help me.)
A long delay of more banter with Rico the first husband and the host about the cockpit story and another standing ovation from Leon we finally go to Adam the hippie for his answer to the question. Well at this point Adams blows his wind spirit before gaining composure to answer “pool of pudding” which the host thinks he is hallucinating but quickly Adam responds with no she wants to make whoopee in a pool of pudding. Well I guess it would be more interesting to watch then the old woman in the pool of noodles from Patch Adams.
Leon answers Hotel room, which the host calls boring and reminds us of his nun story from about a minute ago. Leon says something about his wife wanting to make whoopee in buildings facing pavement or something I don't know I almost dosed off during it. Anyway the boring moron John answers his wife wanted to do it in her parent’s bed with a hand blender. What wait huh? Anyway he is talking about you know one of those personal massagers since you know he is boring and isn't good enough for her. Anyway the first part is finally done. WOOO! and we take a break from this exciting action for some backstage fun with the boring couple.
Our wonderful host Bob now gives the boring troubled couple advice by saying kiss and make up. Well they listen to that sage like advice and quickly start to get it on the ways only people have fake sex for money can. Like I said I won't really go into much detail here and its pretty standard porn stuff anyway. Ok so back to the gam. Oh yay, I can't wait.
So now the wives have to match the answers. The first question about breath in the morning starts the trend we will see the rest of the show. Ginny the first wife successful matches her breath smells like the D. The hippie thinks her breath smells of daisies instead of the ganja. Rebecca, wife of Leon just laughs which she does for all the answers here so they get no matches. And finally the couple who just made sweet sweet love fails to match as she says regret instead of stale coffee. Moving on... honestly nothing really funny happens with this answers for the second question if you care for pet names, no one matches. Though the wife from the troubled couple did respond “Are you done yet” because get it? She is unhappy with their marriage. Next question for where they first made whoopee the first couple gets it wrong the hippies match, Rebecca just laughs and last the troubled couple says a bed so no match there.
Last question before the wives get to answer stuff for matches. The strangest whoopee place well the first couple Ginny the wife doesn't want to answer after some banter with the host about how this is a game show which I don't think anyone cares anymore about the couple quickly runs off set to do the nasty while the others in the studio just wait for them to return. Seriously after like twenty minutes of average porn sex they return to their seats and the hippies haven't answered yet. The hippies match with the pudding no surprise to me. Well it’s time for Rebecca as I wait for her to laugh like a moron. However, she instead goes into a fantasy.
Yep she fantasizes about riding the soul train in what is overall the best couple sex scene of the film. After it is over they come back to her and ask the question again which she finally responds “in the butt” Which is actually funny, but also is the only thing that is taken from an old episode of the Newlywed Game which became an instant blooper reel classic. Well, the wife of the boring couple answers with in a fire truck during a fire, which let me tell you as someone who works in that field it would definitely be a violation of at least a few different rules, not excluding blood born pathogens ;). Anyway so now we get to hear from the wives as they answer questions.
Bob the host proclaims the hippies have won with ten points. What I don't get to even hear the wives answers questions about the husbands. Wait, what I am saying this is a blessing from the porno gods no more terrible writing and this thing is almost done. The hippies win a trip to Hawaii courtesy of the sponsor Frigid Nipples Air Conditioning. Bob wraps up the show and thankfully it’s all over now. But wait, there is still like twenty minutes left in the film. Well what better way than to wrap everything up then with a huge sex scene. Right? Well, the husbands all leave as their wives tell them off and then they all dog pile onto Bob, the host with the most. Well, at least they end this on somewhat interesting note, but honestly for as much going on its really not all that exciting that or my brain has died from line after line of dialogue written by a kid just entering puberty.
Conclusion on this whole thing: it's a standard porn parody. This is what you get with most of them. I must admit the set doesn't look that bad and I have seen plenty of worse acting before. I wish they could write a little smarter and cleverer, but then again if they could they wouldn't be writing for porno's. Anyway, there are tons of better parodies out there and this is just one that wasn't needed but was easy to make. Just avoid it and watch the game show scene from Mallrats for a funnier parody of the Newlywed Game, and if you need better porn well I am sure you can find it.
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