Tooncrap #10 - Cartoon All-Stars To The
Just Say No...To This Cartoon
Written by: Raymond Gallant
Chances are that when you were a kid, at some point,
you dreamed of what it would be like if your favorite cartoon characters
met up. Be it to face off against one another, or maybe to face off
against a common enemy. Perhaps even just to hang out and shoot the
breeze. However, despite the vivid imaginations we wee tots had, I can
guarantee you that no kid ever dreamed their favorite cartoons would
spend a half hour in one of the most borderline broken interventions in
But that's exactly what we got all the way back in 1990 with Cartoon All
Stars to the Rescue, an animated special that aired on literally every
channel in existence in 1990 (Or at least those that aired Saturday
morning cartoons. )This was billed as a big event, where all your
favorite characters would come together for the first time ever. Think
about it. You had Garfield, Alvin and the Chipmunks, the Smurfs, Alf,
Winnie the Pooh, The Looney Tunes, and Michelangelo of the frigging
Ninja Turtles. It was like any cartoon fan's literal wet dream. However,
what we got killed those lofty youthful dreams forever.
Think of it as the WCW Invasion of the cartoon world.
Now, I can assure the reader that I have never touched a drug in my
life, so I'm ripping into this without any personal bias. I was more a
kid who didn't want drugs due to just not seeing the appeal, and not
because of scare tactics by the government. This is going to show just
how this half hour narc-fest just doesn't work, and in the end is just a
bad cartoon in general. So, get ready to see some of the greatest
cartoon characters get ruined for eternity. Let's review this thing.
We open our massive crossover with the 2 people the kiddies obviously
couldn't wait to see...
George and Barbara Bush. While Barb seems sincere, for some reason I
doubt George is taking this very seriously. In the middle of this minute
long 1st nag of many, George turns and stares at Barb, almost thinking
to himself "I'm the god damn president, and she makes me waste my time
talking about some stupid cartoon to keep the kids off the wacky tobaccy."
With that out of the way, we open our story in the town of generic
suburbia USA, as a young girl named Cory's piggy bank is stolen. And the
first person to notice this is, of course, Papa Smurf. He sounds the
alarm which awakens all of the crappy mascot merchandise in the room of
the lass. Everyone from the Chipmunks, Alf, and Garfield chase after the
porcelain pork purloiner, as the Smurfs, Kermit, and Slimer wake up
They soon learn that our bandit is none other than her older brother
Michael. Cory confronts him, as he hides a box from her. However our
assortment of animated icons look inside to find plenty of drug related
paraphernalia. Michael, realizing his eyes look terrible, puts on a pair
of shades and leaves the house in a huff. So, naturally the cartoon all
stars decide to follow him to try and get him off drugs. Because lord
knows the best way to stop an addiction is with an animated
So, Michael goes off and buys some drugs, as we meet our antagonist, an
evil talking puff of smoke (Voiced by George C Scott). But before he can
try some of the harder stuff, Michael and the assorted kids scatter to
the sound of a siren. Backed into a corner, the officer approaches our
protagonist, only to reveal that it's...
Oh Bugs. poor, poor Bugs.
Yep, Bugs Bunny gets dragged into the story, as he tries to ask how
Michael got involved with drugs. Michael, more angered that Bugs is in
his business, and less that BUGS BUNNY IS STANDING IN FRONT OF HIM,
tries to get away. But Bugs drags him into his time machine. Yep, a time
machine that he borrowed from "some coyote".
Meanwhile, back at home, Michael's dad, the Brawny man, wonders why
there's some beer missing. Cory knows something ain't quite right with
Michael, but decides not to rat her brother out. This leads to Winnie
the Pooh asking her why, as Cory tries to understand why in the blue
hell Pooh bear is talking to her, she essentially tells Pooh that
snitches get stitches, as Pooh tries to convince her to tell.
Back to Michael, Bugs, and Smokey as they head back to the simpler days
of black and white, and when kids had the first letters of their names
on their shirts. Bugs shows how Michael was led into the world of drugs
through peer pressure, which of course is way different from how they're
trying to get him off of drugs. Later at the park with token black kid
and girl with the Kung Lao hat, they talk about scoring some crack.
Michael declines, until Smokey hands hat girl Michael's wallet. Michael
gives chase, until he falls into a manhole, ready to get a lecture
Really? Of all the Ninja Turtles, you pick the one that seems most like
a stereotypical stoner? Somehow I can easily imagine Michaelangelo
whipping up an LSD and marijuana pizza
So yeah, now it's time for Michelangelo to chew out our young hero, all
while the hat girl still has his friggin' wallet and is ready to score
some crack. But screw her, we only have time to talk to Michael. Despite
god forbid there's any personal information about Michael in that
wallet, so he could be considered an alibi if the cops bust hat girl,
but you know why would all that matter? Being guilt tripped by a ninja
turtle is punishment enough.
Michelangelo pulls a giant plug that sends Michael and Smokey falling
into a roller coaster that is riding through the messed up catacombs
that is his brain. How we went from a sewer to the head of Michael is
questionable. Unless this is some sorta "Being John Malkovich" thing.
Oh, and Kermit and Piggy are along for the ride. After that little mind
warp, it's time for an animated intervention through song, as The Muppet
Babies, Huey, Dewey, Louie, and the gang sing about "a million wonderful
ways to say no."
Oh goody, Miss Piggy, and Scrooge's nephews are singing. Somehow I yearn
for Gilbert Gottfried to belt out a few lines.
Oh wait, no I don't.
After that, Michael finally wakes up back at home. After abusing Cory,
he begins to finally realize that maybe he's gone too far with the
drugs, but Smokey tries to convince him he's done no harm. But his
reassurance is cut short, as now it's time for Alf to talk to Michael.
Alf drags him into a hall of mirrors to show him how drugs will turn him
into the friggin' Cryptkeeper. He then takes him to see the man in
charge, who turns out to be our Smokey antagonist. While Michael wanders
through animated insanity, Cory finds his drug box as Smokey tries to
corrupt her, and throws Pooh into a cupboard. Hey, that's Winnie the god
damn Pooh you're messing with. Nobody screws with the silly old bear.
And from here the insanity meter hits eleventy as Michael finds himself
in a crazy carnival, as the cartoon all stars, now seemingly tired of
nagging him to stop, decide to try and murder him instead. From trying
to run him over with roller coasters, to him being sucked through a
straw and almost eaten by Miss Piggy. If anything came out of this, it
probably gave vore fans their first chubby. 3 minutes of attempted
homicide later, Michael runs into a tent, and runs into a fortune
teller, who happens to be...
Oh Daffy. Poor, poor Daffy.
Daffy shows him his future, which is his full on transformation into the
Cryptkeeper. The Cartoon All Stars take one last effort to turn Michael.
It finally works, as Michael finally exits insano land, and stops Cory
before she becomes persuaded. He throws Smokey out the window. Our
talking smoke pile vows revenge, but our young heroes and talking
mascots will be prepared. And if Michael steps out of line again,
they'll clearly just scare him straight again. The end.
And that's the infamous Cartoon All Stars to the Rescue. What a piece of
propaganda pap. There's nothing wrong with saying no to drugs, or
helping someone in need, but for some reason the way the Cartoon All
Stars try to do so bugs me. They go from nagging, to intervention, to
trying to murder Michael. It just seems poorly handled.
And in the end, why did it need to be an assortment of cartoon
characters? It could have been a clan of original characters, and they
still could have sent the same message across. Instead of just teasing
young kids with dreams of Alf trying to eat Garfield, or The Looney
Tunes and the Ninja Turtles being at the same place at the same time.
Also, they really don't talk about why the drugs are bad. The whole
video talks through scare tactics, and make mild references to highs and
It's like a lot of PSAs in the late 80's/early 90's. They never right
out told you what these drugs did, just tried to scare you to make sure
you never did them. Like the "This Is Your Brain on Drugs ad" with the
egg. It's memorable, but doesn't answer how they turn your brain into a
delicious breakfast treat. And that ad is only barely 15 seconds. And
yet this half hour special acts on the same logic, and is just a longer
version of "don't do these because Ooga Booga!" And it just doesn't
And really, the last people I'd take drug advice from is a "party dude"
like Michelangelo, a manic depressive like Daffy, a cat with the
munchies, blue creatures that live in mushrooms, an always happy bear,
and Alf, who's too cool not to be taking something.