Tooncrap #35 - SpongeBob SquarePants: The
Just like Modern Spongebob itself: Wooden and Painful!
Written by: Raymond Gallant
It's time once again to delve into the sea and visit
that yellow, porous money maker himself, Spongebob Squarepants. But,
seeing as this is Tooncrap, we're not looking at one of the better
moments of Spongebob, but rather the deep, dark, dank bits of the modern
Spongebob. Much like the SImpsons and Family Guy, Spongebob has been
around way past its expiration date, to the point where even its most
die hard of fans are patiently awaiting the show's death. But since it's
still a multi-million dollar cash cow... err, sponge, it's not going
anywhere. And the results it brings out will be painful and disturbing.
That brings us to the episode du jour, the season 6 episode "The
Splinter". An episode considered by many to be one of the most
disturbing and horrible episodes of the entire series. I mean, you can
already guess the plot from the title, and if you know of Spongebob's
propensity for gross visual gags, then you can guess exactly why this
one's not exactly heralded like Band Geeks or Chocolate With Nuts in the
eyes of the many fans of this show. So he's get physical with the
Splinter and review this thing.
We open the episode at the Krusty Krab as the restaurant opens and
Spongebob, as always, is full of excitement over the prospect of another
day of fry cooking. Squidward gives him an order of two Krabby Patties,
which is so exciting for Spongebob that he accidentally gets his spatula
stuck on the ceiling. He stacks a bunch of comically dangerous items on
top of each other in order to reach the spatula, but has problems
getting it out. He succeeds, but slips off, falling toward a pile of
swords and scissors.
But through an act of serendipity (or plot convenience, take your pick).
Spongebob is relieved that he hasn't been skewered up. But considering
that he's been able to survive sharp objects before, this really feels
like it would have been a less painful outcome than what's about to
happen. Because in his haste, Spongebob slips on some tartar sauce,
causing this to happen. And fair warning, if you find stuff like this
painful, you might wanna look away.
Because holy frigging crap!
Now suffering from the titular splinter, Spongebob tries in vain to get
it out of his thumb, which results in multiple shots of him in serious
pain trying to remove it. Since he can't get it out, he tries to make
Krabby Patties with the splinter intact. He manages to get the job done
well enough with a spatula on his nose. Squidward inquires about the
issue, so Spongebob tells him about the splinter...
Which is getting greener and more pus filled by the minute.
Realizing that Spongebob got injured at work, Squidward torments him
about the possibility of Mr. Krabs sending Spongebob home. Of course,
the thought of missing work is like slowly lopping off a testicle with a
butter knife to Spongebob, so he becomes worried. To further the pain,
Squidward flushes SpongeBob's spatula and fry cook hat (which return one
scene later, so you know, good continuity there). I'd say Squidward's
being an ass here, but considering the crap he's been put through in the
series, it's more justified than you'd think. Spongebob is clearly in
need of an actual doctor to remedy his splinter...
But of course just goes to Patrick who's just hanging in the Krusty Krab
dumpster because... reasons.
Doctor Patrick doesn't actually help as expected as he just sucks on
Spongebob's foot (you know, for the fetishists). When Spongebob brings
it up, Patrick just acts like an ass to him, because that's pretty much
what the character has devolved into. From loyal friend who often gives
bad advice, to cruel, callous jerk who is too stupid to have any sense
of empathy. Eventually he decides to help.
And by help, I of course mean make things worse.
After hammering in the splinter, Patrick decides the only way to remedy
the swelling is with a garbage compress. Jeez, he's making Dr. Nick look
Of course, the "compress" just makes things worse. And Patrick, like a
good friend, just decides to leave, having made his best friend's life
even worse, knowing full well that he's scared witless about having to
leave work over this. Patrick's a douche.
Spongebob is finally confronted by Mr. Krabs as he tries to hide his
splinter. His attempts are in vain, as Mr. Krabs knows about it. But you
know, by now it's gotta be a little better, right?
Mr. Krabs manages to remove the splinter, which sprays some confetti,
before spraying puss all over him. Spongebob's thumb is healed, and he
doesn't have to leave work with pay. This gives Squidward the idea to
bash himself with the register to get workman's comp, but since his
shift ended two minutes ago, he's out of luck. But then again, Squidward
is forbidden to have happiness.
And that's "The Splinter". It's a painful one to sit through. Not just
because of the disturbing imagery (Seriously, I can't even watch the
splinter go in without cringing), but because this episode is boring.
There isn't one funny moment in the episode. If it's not gross out
humor, it's either cruel character writing, or long, overdrawn filler
scenes that go nowhere. Also, considering that the show has shown in the
past that Spongebob can just grow back his appendages, the entire
episode is pointless. He's practically immortal at this point. Which
explains how the show's stayed around for so long when you think about
it. In the end, this is some painful Tooncrap. Use precaution and avoid
real splinters, and this episode.