Tooncrap #39 - Prostars

A Poor Sport
Dic: 1991

Written by: Raymond Gallant

If you were to think of three of the biggest names in the field of baseball, basketball, hockey, and football in the 90's, you'd easily think of Michael Jordan, Wayne Gretzky, and Mr. 'Bo Knows' himself, Bo Jackson. The three were the top of their professions, and in turn became extremely popular.

And as it's been pointed out many a time on this lil' ol' blog, anything famous in the 80's or 90's has a TV show about it. And 95.5% of the time, it's made from everyone's favorite DICheads. And, if you've read the New Kids induction, you'd also know that cartoons based on celebrities are usually massive ego trips. And while I will say Pro Stars is definitely not as bad as New Kids, it's still pretty ridiculous. Essentially, it's our three sporting maestros as heroes, fighting crime, and assorted no goodnickery. Essentially it's The Super Globetrotters, only Bo Jackson can't turn into a giant football, and the main villains don't challenge them to a sport our protagonists are actually good at..

So, let's get in the game, and review Pro Stars. Let's review this thing.

Gotta love the first shot of the opening with catchphrases that haven't been cool since... well, 1991, like "Jammin'", and "Slammin'". Down my throat it's forced hipness be "Rammin!"

The interesting thing about this show is that despite one season and 13 episodes, it has two different theme songs. The first being a knockoff of Queen's "We Will Rock You". The second being a more original version, with such classic lines as "Jordan Jams in your face. Gonna put them in their place!" and "Big swing, Bo's the man. Gonna hit a grand slam". And at the end we see our heroes unite, as Michael says that "it's all about helping kids."

Yep, it's that kind of cartoon. Where our Pro Stars help out kids in peril, while getting in exciting and retarded situations.

We open every episode, with footage, and photos of our Pro Stars, as we get a live action intro with the real deals (who sound about as excited as you'd imagine). Yep, just like New Kids on the Block, and almost oozing in charisma in the live action spots like the New Kids cartoon.

Jordan Knight: Seeing me.. in a cartoon show... is kinda putting me in a fantasy land.

Mr. Knight, you truly are a charismatic enigma.

And so too our are Pro Stars, who are here to tell us what today's episode is about, with title cards that scream "nineteen ninety god damn one".

Did "And The" really need it's own damn title card?

So let's review an episode, or as Gretzky would gladly phone in...

We have to put the bite on Gargantus!

Do we? I guess we do. Let's watch "Gargantus and the Highway of Doom"

We open out episode at Mom's Gym, the home base of our pro starring pro stars, as our heroes watch a video from a young Australian girl. She informs them that her home has been invaded by a group of punks driving around in what could easily be considered reject swamp thing toy vehicles. Their leader is lord Humong... I mean, Gargantus, and he spends the majority of his days terrorizing the town. While the rest of the town is quite unhappy with Gargantus and the gang, the young girl's older brother Keith thinks that being in the gang would be cool.

Oh lord, look at that face. I can't tell if he's either awestruck, or brain damaged.

Our PROtagonists are angered at the thought of Gargantus and his cronies. And here's where we see the character traits for each character. Jordan's the leader, and essential genius of the group, Wayne's the more laid back, and always hungry one, and Bo knows. Oh, that's pretty much all I have to say. Bo just really knows a lot of things. We also meet Mom, the gadget maker for our heroes...

Who i swear out Jew stereotypes Mort Goldman, both in look and in accent.

And of course, since they're heading to Australia, they need special gadgets like boomerang cameras, and a remote control jet, which they crash into Mom's gym with. Our heroes make haste to the outback, and immediately crash the jet after almost hitting a kangaroo. They learn that the Kangaroo is the pet of Sheila, the girl who sent them the video.

So let's see, Wallaby Australia, pet kangaroos, Sheila, boomerangs, Mad Max knockoffs..

All we're missing is the stable of Outback Jack, Yahoo Serious, and Jacko, and we got ourselves a hoe down.

Bo uses the boomerang to find out where Gargantus and his gang are, and learn that he's making everyone make him a castle. But their "Name of an Eddie Murphy movie" eye in the sky is quickly vanquished by a rock thrown by Gargantus. Our heroes charge to the castle, until Michael Jordan, super genius, warns them of laser traps that Gargantus planted. As they deal with that, Keith notices them, and tells Gargantus. Who rewards the lad by making him knocks a boulder off the cliff, headed directly at the Pro Stars. Oh noes, will our heroes survive the revolting rolling rock? Will Keith join Gargantus' gang? Will I ever get the image of naked Captain Lou out of my head? Well, we can at least answer the former 2 as we head to the 2nd act of our harrowing tale.

Jordan, being the mental master of the trio, makes a giant basketball to counter the rolling rock. But apparently basketballs do hold grudges, as it comes headed back to our heroes. But our heroes, stop it in time, and the impact with the big bouncy gay ball (I swear to you that's what Bo Jackson says) sends the bouncer flying, and eventually crashing onto one of Gargantus' cronies. Gargantus is none too pleased of our heroes survival, and sends his gang to attack. Gretzky takes out some with his egg pucks (because he's food obsessed, get it?), but no amount of eggs and tomfoolery can stop Gargantus from eventually capturing our three heroes. Keith finally realizes that Gargantus is a douche, but is unable to do anything about it, because he's a moron. Our heroes manage to get the remote to the jet, and crash it into the prison cell they're trapped in, and escape. All while being chased down the hill by Gargantus' gang. But they manage to escape when Jordan uses a giant basketball/model of Saturn.

With all of his basketball related crap, he'd be a shoe in for the Super Globetrotters.

And if you guessed that the grand finale to this episode was them being chased in a truck, you win the prize.

Here, have a copy of Qix for the Game Boy.

Our heroes are quickly followed by Gargantus' gang, and it looks like they're up shit creek without a giant basketball. But Keith comes to the rescue, and the group manage to finally defeat Gargantus. The episode ends with Keith learning the moral of the episode, and Mom showing up pissed that the Pro Stars have crashed the jet. After that it's back to live action as we get a question from some kid about how our Pro Stars broke into the business, and our heroes respond by essentially mumbling without much energy put in. The End.

And that's Pro Stars. It runs the gamut of classic Dic cartoon syndrome. Bad animation, terrible storytelling, stereotypes out the rectum, and live action segments from celebrities who just don't give a god damn. Save for decent voice acting, it feels like just another utterly forgettable 90's toon. Bo knows cartoons, but not exactly how to be in a good one.