Tooncrap #39 - Prostars
A Poor Sport
Written by: Raymond Gallant
If you were to think of three of the biggest names in
the field of baseball, basketball, hockey, and football in the 90's,
you'd easily think of Michael Jordan, Wayne Gretzky, and Mr. 'Bo Knows'
himself, Bo Jackson. The three were the top of their professions, and in
turn became extremely popular.
And as it's been pointed out many
a time on this lil' ol' blog, anything famous in the 80's or 90's has a
TV show about it. And 95.5% of the time, it's made from everyone's
favorite DICheads. And, if you've read the New Kids induction, you'd
also know that cartoons based on celebrities are usually massive ego
trips. And while I will say Pro Stars is definitely not as bad as New
Kids, it's still pretty ridiculous. Essentially, it's our three sporting
maestros as heroes, fighting crime, and assorted no goodnickery.
Essentially it's The Super Globetrotters, only Bo Jackson can't turn
into a giant football, and the main villains don't challenge them to a
sport our protagonists are actually good at..
So, let's get in
the game, and review Pro Stars. Let's review this thing.
Gotta love the first shot of the opening with catchphrases that haven't
been cool since... well, 1991, like "Jammin'", and "Slammin'". Down my
throat it's forced hipness be "Rammin!"
The interesting thing
about this show is that despite one season and 13 episodes, it has two
different theme songs. The first being a knockoff of Queen's "We Will
Rock You". The second being a more original version, with such classic
lines as "Jordan Jams in your face. Gonna put them in their place!" and
"Big swing, Bo's the man. Gonna hit a grand slam". And at the end we see
our heroes unite, as Michael says that "it's all about helping kids."
Yep, it's that kind of cartoon. Where our Pro Stars help out kids in
peril, while getting in exciting and retarded situations.
We open every episode, with footage, and photos of our Pro Stars, as
we get a live action intro with the real deals (who sound about as
excited as you'd imagine). Yep, just like New Kids on the Block, and
almost oozing in charisma in the live action spots like the New Kids
Jordan Knight: Seeing me.. in a cartoon show... is kinda putting me in a
Mr. Knight, you truly are a charismatic enigma.
And so too our are Pro Stars, who are here to tell us what today's
episode is about, with title cards that scream "nineteen ninety god damn
Did "And The" really need it's own damn title card?
review an episode, or as Gretzky would gladly phone in...
We have to put the bite on Gargantus!
Do we? I guess we do. Let's
watch "Gargantus and the Highway of Doom"
We open out episode at Mom's Gym, the home base of our pro starring
pro stars, as our heroes watch a video from a young Australian girl. She
informs them that her home has been invaded by a group of punks driving
around in what could easily be considered reject swamp thing toy
vehicles. Their leader is lord Humong... I mean, Gargantus, and he
spends the majority of his days terrorizing the town. While the rest of
the town is quite unhappy with Gargantus and the gang, the young girl's
older brother Keith thinks that being in the gang would be cool.
Oh lord, look at that face. I can't tell if he's either awestruck,
or brain damaged.
Our PROtagonists are angered at the thought of
Gargantus and his cronies. And here's where we see the character traits
for each character. Jordan's the leader, and essential genius of the
group, Wayne's the more laid back, and always hungry one, and Bo knows.
Oh, that's pretty much all I have to say. Bo just really knows a lot of
things. We also meet Mom, the gadget maker for our heroes...
Who i swear out Jew stereotypes Mort Goldman, both in look and in
And of course, since they're heading to Australia, they need special
gadgets like boomerang cameras, and a remote control jet, which they
crash into Mom's gym with. Our heroes make haste to the outback, and
immediately crash the jet after almost hitting a kangaroo. They learn
that the Kangaroo is the pet of Sheila, the girl who sent them the
So let's see, Wallaby Australia, pet kangaroos, Sheila,
boomerangs, Mad Max knockoffs..
All we're missing is the stable of Outback Jack, Yahoo Serious, and
Jacko, and we got ourselves a hoe down.
Bo uses the boomerang to
find out where Gargantus and his gang are, and learn that he's making
everyone make him a castle. But their "Name of an Eddie Murphy movie"
eye in the sky is quickly vanquished by a rock thrown by Gargantus. Our
heroes charge to the castle, until Michael Jordan, super genius, warns
them of laser traps that Gargantus planted. As they deal with that,
Keith notices them, and tells Gargantus. Who rewards the lad by making
him knocks a boulder off the cliff, headed directly at the Pro Stars. Oh
noes, will our heroes survive the revolting rolling rock? Will Keith
join Gargantus' gang? Will I ever get the image of naked Captain Lou out
of my head? Well, we can at least answer the former 2 as we head to the
2nd act of our harrowing tale.
Jordan, being the mental master of the trio, makes a giant
basketball to counter the rolling rock. But apparently basketballs do
hold grudges, as it comes headed back to our heroes. But our heroes,
stop it in time, and the impact with the big bouncy gay ball (I swear to
you that's what Bo Jackson says) sends the bouncer flying, and
eventually crashing onto one of Gargantus' cronies. Gargantus is none
too pleased of our heroes survival, and sends his gang to attack.
Gretzky takes out some with his egg pucks (because he's food obsessed,
get it?), but no amount of eggs and tomfoolery can stop Gargantus from
eventually capturing our three heroes. Keith finally realizes that
Gargantus is a douche, but is unable to do anything about it, because
he's a moron. Our heroes manage to get the remote to the jet, and crash
it into the prison cell they're trapped in, and escape. All while being
chased down the hill by Gargantus' gang. But they manage to escape when
Jordan uses a giant basketball/model of Saturn.
With all of his basketball related crap, he'd be a shoe in for the Super
And if you guessed that the grand finale to this
episode was them being chased in a truck, you win the prize.
Here, have a copy of Qix for the Game Boy.
Our heroes are quickly followed by Gargantus' gang, and it looks
like they're up shit creek without a giant basketball. But Keith comes
to the rescue, and the group manage to finally defeat Gargantus. The
episode ends with Keith learning the moral of the episode, and Mom
showing up pissed that the Pro Stars have crashed the jet. After that
it's back to live action as we get a question from some kid about how
our Pro Stars broke into the business, and our heroes respond by
essentially mumbling without much energy put in. The End.
that's Pro Stars. It runs the gamut of classic Dic cartoon syndrome. Bad
animation, terrible storytelling, stereotypes out the rectum, and live
action segments from celebrities who just don't give a god damn. Save
for decent voice acting, it feels like just another utterly forgettable
90's toon. Bo knows cartoons, but not exactly how to be in a good one.