Tooncrap #42 - Wings
An Animated Nosedive
Olga Lopato: 2012
Written by: Raymond Gallant
It's been a dog's age since I've talked about a
knockoff movie here on the ol' Tooncrap, and since the days of me going
on about the likes of Dingo Pictures and Video Brinquedo, there's been
plenty of new companies with plenty of really, really bad films just
ready for that one unsuspecting aunt to give her niece or nephew that
they must secretly really hate.
And this time around, it's a
Russian knockoff we're focusing on. It's the 2012 release Wings, which
is obviously inspired by Disney's Planes. You know, those pseudo sequels
to Cars that nobody really asked for, not even most kids? But since it
was a big Disney movie release, it was enough fuel for companies to slap
something in stores ASAP to get whatever moolah they could, and thus
we've got our little nugget of awful today. And somehow for this dub
they managed to get some actual American actors in this rip-off. Names
like Josh Duhamel and Hillary Duff. She ever been in any other animated
What the hell is a Foodfight?
And Rob Schneider.
Because you know you're in for a cinematic masterpiece when you have
Adam Sandler's main ass leech involved in something. So how bad is this?
Let's take to the skies and find out as we review this thing.
movie opens with about six or seven different studios involved. With how
many people are involved it almost reminds me of that one Family Guy
skit where Peter gets angry at all the studio logos. We then open on an
airfield as planes are flying in some sort of competition.
All while living speakers call the action. And with such enthusiasm.
You can almost hear their nonexistent souls being sucked away by the
lack of interesting things going on. There's planes flying for the
"prestigious" Super Wings trophy.
All while stolen Disney plane models in their beta stages stare on
with their dead eyes and severe lack of facial functions.
Also apparently there's little child planes, which raises a ton of
questions. Do planes have sex in this world? Do female planes give
birth? If these are supposed to be machines, how do they actually grow
up? Why do they need balloons if they have wings...
Oh no, I've gone cross-eyed.
Things happen as they give us
really confusing exposition. Meanwhile two planes fly in the sky, and
then start spiraling down. One of them crashes while the other planes
show their concern with their dead eyes. Despite not seeing any actual
crash, I guess the coach was to blame or something? Seriously, I have no
idea what the hell just happened because the movie almost feels like it
was on fast forward.
We cut to one year later as we focus on a plane named Ace (played by
Duhamel), who dreams of being a champion. He wants to be the very best
like no one ever was. But he's in this movie, so it's just a lost cause.
He's awakened by two tractors (despite his eyes being seemingly
permanently open, and also considering he was talking to himself). The
tractors tell him to get to work for the day, but he just decides to get
back on his stack and mumble about being champ.
And I do mean
mumble, with very little emotion. I assume Duhamel just did this in an
afternoon and just got through it for the cheque. Cut to a crappy fake
pop song and our title card as Ace flies around like a delusional fool
and breaks up clouds. He talks about how he's a gift to the plane gods.
He really wants to be a star.
And then out of nowhere there's an
announcement that a flight team called the Hawks are looking for a new
member. Ace thinks he's hallucinating, but considering all he does is
imagine he's the greatest plane ever, maybe he's right to think that,
considering it was just the tractors making fun of him. But can you
blame them when he won't shut the hell up about this? It makes sense
they they'd bust his balls... err, whatever planes have. I mean we've
confirmed they can engage in some form of coitus.
But through a stroke of luck AKA plot convenience, the Hawks team is
looking for a new member. Mainly because one of the members, Cyclone,
keeps suggesting they don't need a fifth member. Just like all great
knockoffs, the biggest problem with this movie is the exposition dumps
are massive and filled with stuff that you couldn't care about. They
forget the best rule is showing and not telling.
Ace arrives to
the stadium, with no issue, and chases after a robot cleaner, all while
not knowing just what the hell he's even doing here. He runs into the
Hawks and asks to tryout. The Hawks leader believes Ace to be a member
of another flight team known as the Angels, and brings him on board
without even making a single reference check, because characters in
these types of movies are idiots. Ace is no better as he just signed the
contract without even reading it.
After flying over some random signs, he gets attacked by a bunch of
birds (which I guess also exist in this plane-controlled universe.
Seriously, nothing makes sense here). He meets a dodo named... Dodo
(played by Rob Schneider. Goody) who is pretty much tasked with keeping
blackbirds away. He isn't actually paid to do so, he's just a really
racist bird. Dodo Rambles while the lip syncing is even worst for this
character than Mumbles Duhamel.
So they strike up a friendship,
despite Dodo telling Ace that he pretty much sucks at life. They sneak
into an air base and get stopped by a pair of trucks who introduce him
to the coach. One of the trucks has this annoying gimmick of blinking
and making clacking noises. The coach if a plane named Windy (voiced by
Hilary Duff, who like the rest of the cast sounds about as enthused as a
wildcat on sedatives).
She trains a bunch of retired planes and vehicles for a bit as
nothing happens, then she finally meets Ace. It turns out this was
probably the wrong base, but considering he's a stupid plane that took
advice from racist bird Rob Schneider, this is his own damn fault. We
meet a bunch of comic relief characters whose names I forgot
We then meet Cyclone, who pretty much checks off every part of the
"stock villain" list.
Self centered douche? Check.
of the love interest to the hero? Check.
Rival of the hero? Check.
In a crappy movie? Super check.
Ace is trying to find some vague
coach, while Cyclone mumbles some more and challenges him to a race. The
race is about as exciting as you'd expect from this type of movie.
Doesn't help that things once again move way too fast for you to
comprehend anything that's actually going on.
Ace hits his wing
on a ravine, which I guess is like a concussion to planes since he's
woozy, and he crashes, all while Cyclone gloats like a deaf man...
plane... thing. We get about two minutes of Schneider rambling as Ace
finds a tunnel where he manages to find said vague coach, who tells him
to leave. Ace won't leave...
So the mystery plane threatens to bust a cap in his ass... err,
fuselage... errr. I don't friggin' know. He returns to kind of gloat
Then farts at Cyclone because reasons.
Nothing really happens for
the next little while, mostly just some really, really bad relationship
building with Ace and Windy. Lots and lots of mumbling from Duhamel and
Rob Schneider just talking... and talking... and talking...
Seriously, this is one of the dullest movies I've ever seen. And there's
almost 50 minutes to go.
So despite being threatened earlier, Ace is stupid enough to come
back to the cave. He brings Dodo, because lord knows we can't go a
minute without Schneider rambling. Ace learns that the hobo in the cave
is the lost coach. Who is angry for the trespassing, but you'd never
tell thanks to the permanent smile. He threatens to shoot Ace, as Ace
tries to say it's destiny that they met. Clearly Ace is stupid to not
get the hint that "gun + face = dead".
More nothing happens as
Ace trains while Cyclone continues to be the most stock jerk character
ever. Despite not taking the warning twice, Ace goes back to the coach
to ask for training. Only this time he does it by showing off how great
he is. Ace tries to convince Coach to train him, to the point of psycho
stalker at this. The coach says no, while Ace calls him a coward and
flies off like the sulk he is.
I guess the constant bitching works as the coach (or the Colonel
from this point) finally decides to help him. Meanwhile, Cyclone tries
to stir the pot by telling Windy that the Colonel is the one behind the
death of the plane from earlier in the film, you know, despite it being
obvious that it was Cyclone's fault early on. She tells Cyclone to save
him, and he suggests that she distracts him to keep him late from
So, despite seemingly knowing that Cyclone is full of
crap... err oil... err, DAMMIT!, Windy goes along with it and dates Ace.
And being stupid, he falls for it, and causes himself to be late for
practice. He eventually arrives (while Schneider makes a stupid "De
Plane, De Plane" joke, which aggravates the Colonel. He gives him a lot
to do despite his lateness, while we get another training/dating
montage. This is at least the third in this movie so far, because this
movie is about 45 minutes too long. One of the tricks is apparently Ace
farting on a barrel...
Because of course it is.
Eventually the Colonel is sick of Ace's
procrastination and leaves. Windy tries to tell him the truth as Cyclone
just rolls up to just reveal the whole fake date situation. So Ace just
decides to up and leave, telling the other planes off while in a huff.
Even Dodo tries to help, and he just tells what the rest of the audience
is thinking about him, that he's an annoying bird that never shuts up.
Ace talks with the Colonel some more, as he tries to be deep,
but at this point, this just feels like more padding in a movie that
feels padded enough as it is. The colonel pretty much says that Ace
should just go home. However Ace just manages to find all the training
plans and just say "screw the Colonel, I'll train myself!" So, it's time
for another training montage. Because we needed another one.
So Ace just ends up at the Hawks stadium, as Cyclone gets the tamest
verbal berating. Meanwhile, we remember the whole situation with Ace not
being a member of the Angels, but screw conflict, he's pretty much good
enough for the team. Ace sees a fire at the Colonel's cave, which means
if he leaves, he loses the competition. He says screw it, and goes to
save him, while Cyclone competes instead.
But sadly, Coach is dead.
I ain't kidding either, the Coach is fried. Gotta admit that's
rather dark. Ace admits he was never intended to be in the team. And
then Cyclone teleports to gloat about murdering the Colonel. So Ace and
Cyclone fight, as Ace finally realizes that "oh no, Cyclone's evil.
Whodathunk?" Both planes race for a bit in another really badly animated
battle. Ace survives, and then they just arrest Cyclone off screen
because they realize he's the one who killed the other plane last year.
Oh, and the colonel's still alive. That's what I get for having
faith in you movie. We end with Ace joining the Hawks officially, he and
Windy become an actual item, and he and Dodo chase off some black birds
in some more bad animation to finally end this damn movie.
that's "Wings". For a knockoff, this was one of the worst I've seen. It
lacked a lot of the racism of Video Brinquedo, or the bad dialogue of
Dingo Pictures, this one just suffered from being way too long with
little to it. It's a cookie cutter plot, with bad animation, voice
acting that just feels lazy, and the padding is hell. Nothing of
interest actually happens throughout. I've seen some of Planes, and
while that's no great film, it at least feels a bit more inspired than
this mess of a movie. This movie crashes, burns, and deserves a spot in
Also there's a sequel because of course there frigging is.