Tooncrap #44 - South Park: A Million
A Million Crappy Problems
South Park Studios: 2006
Written by: Raymond Gallant
It's been a while since I covered a South Park
episode here on the ol' Crap. Actually it's been a year to this very
month. When last I covered the show, I looked at Pip, a mess of an
episode that took the work of Dickens and made a mess of it, resulting
on one of the show's sloppiest of outings. But for as much flack as I've
given to that episode and its focus on one of the least important South
Park characters ever, then boy do I have an even more unimportant
character to focus on this week.
Meet Towelie. He's a towel. He reminds people to bring a towel
whenever the situation demands it. Also he gets high a lot.
have literally told you the entire life story of this character. Pot
smoking towel. That's him in a nutshell.
So naturally you'd think
there really couldn't be much that could be done with him to warrant his
own solo episode. Well, you'd be sorta right, but Trey and Matt tried
anyway. And thus we got one of the worst episodes of a season that for
the most part is a mixed bag season overall.
Season 10 gave us
gems like "Make Love, Not Warcraft" and the two part "Cartoon Wars"
story (which began Trey and Matt's issues with the Muslim faith for
their attempts to depict Mohammad). But this season also gave us their
middle finger to Isaac Hayes with "The Return of Chef", the divisive
"Stanley's Cup", and the toon du jour for this month "A Million Little
Fibers". So, don't forget to burn a towel as we review this thing.
We open the episode at P.F Chang's, as Towelie has a new job as a
waiter. However, he's no help at all. In fact, he's just really high,
and can't really do much more than stir the Chang sauce. After some dull
banter with a customer, he gets fired. With no job, and the rent due,
Towelie needs to come up with an idea... but he has to get high first.
The high gives him an idea to write his memoirs in order to be
successful. His memoirs are called "A Million Little Fibers". You know,
like that book that James Frey guy wrote called "A Million Little
Pieces". That book that told of Frey's life of drug and alcohol abuse,
but later was discovered that most of what he wrote was just a bunch of
lies? And then he pissed Oprah off. Oh, we'll get to Oprah soon.
When Towelie takes his finished memoirs to a publisher, he's turned
down. As it turns out, nobody has any interest in the life of a towel.
That's not a race issue, it's just that stoner towels lead the most
boring of lives. So with his author dreams shattered momentarily,
Towelie promises to shape up... But just decides to get high instead.
Now high once more, Towelie decides that his best chance to get his
book published is to embellish the truth a bit by replacing any instance
of the word "towel" with "person". And with his new name of "Steven
McTowelie" (complete with hat and mustache), he manages to succeed in
getting his book published. The book is such a success that even Oprah
invites Towelie to the show. But since talking to a towel is boring as
hell, let's focus instead on Oprah's talking minge and asshole.
And this becomes the true crux to the story. Not so much Towelie's
deception because that's boring as hell, but the fact that Oprah Winfrey
is so busy in her life that she never finds time to play with herself.
And if the thought of Oprah Winfrey masturbating while fingering her
butt just made your brain hurt, then I guess mission accomplished Mr.
Parker and Mr. Stone.
As Oprah's minge laments over not being played with, Oprah makes
Towelie's book her "book of the month" making Towelie a major name in
the industry. Meanwhile, Oprah's minge continues to while, but Oprah's
asshole (named Gary for some reason), is tired of Minge's complaints as
he too has never gotten any love from Oprah in years. They decide the
only way to get love from her again is to get her fired. They managed to
realize that Towelie is... surprise... a towel.
Minge calls the
greatest detective in history... but gets Geraldo Rivera. He tells
Geraldo about the Towelie issue, and to look into the author. We then
see Towelie on Larry King Live (while High of course). Geraldo
interrupts (live from Afghanistan for some reason), as he reveals to the
world that Steven McTowel is just a towel. Minge and Gary celebrate the
chance of Oprah being fired, and with people ready to kill Towelie for
their refunds, it may just work.
Oprah invites Towelie to the show, and Towelie needs to come up with
what to say. So, of course he gets a little high. Turns out the Oprah
invite was more of an attack. With everyone back on Oprah's side, this
means no play for Minge and Gary. She gives everyone a torch, and the
plan is to burn Towelie once and for all.
But Minge has other plans as he pulls out a gun from Oprah's vaginal
region and holds people hostage until he finally gets the play he's been
wanting. He shoots a cop, which sickens Gary, and both her minge and
asshole vomit, because I don't even know what's going on anymore.
Towelie almost gets high again, but he decides against it as he tries to
come up with a plan.
With it now being a full hostage situation,
Minge demands a chopper and a jet awaiting a way to France. Gary wants
Minge to stop, but things have gone too far. Towelie gets the hostages
to safety, and a sniper ends up shooting Gary, killing him. Minge blames
Oprah, and kills himself too. Oprah gets taken to the hospital as
Towelie learns a lesson that he should only get high as a reward for
coming with ideas.
And that's "A Million Little Fibers". This
episode is boring. The concept isn't funny, the writing isn't creative,
and even the focused topic about James Frey's deception isn't even all
that interesting to warrant a South Park episode. Towelie just isn't all
that deep a character to focus an episode on, and the fix was certainly
not focusing on Oprah's vagina and asshole. This is considered by many
as the worst of the series. I dunno, there's been some really
reprehensible episodes that are far worse than this. But for this dull
piece of tooncrap, I'd say ditch the towel and avoid this one.